woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
I AM VODKA MAN
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
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