Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
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