I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Randomize
