brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
Randomize
