why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
is not sure whether or not everyone at the club last night calling me a-easy is a good thing?
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
