i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
Randomize
