My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
