this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
Randomize
