i am watching brooke knows best right now and hulk is totally dating his daughter's look a like. it is gross and disturbing.
the most pressuring question is, why are you watching brooke knows best?.
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
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