he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
I think we need to have a day of drinking in classes. I know we don't share any, but sacrifices need to be made.
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize
