Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Randomize
