The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
bad idea #53- masterbating while on period.
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
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