According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Randomize
