I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
Randomize
