All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
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