My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Randomize
