i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
Randomize
