Kareoke will never be a sober sport
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
Randomize
