MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
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