I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
I am one with the molecules
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
