Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
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