The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Randomize
