He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
