i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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