Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
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