Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
If by whore you mean UPGRADE....then yes I am
Randomize
