I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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