wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
