true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
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