Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Randomize
