Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
Randomize
