i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Randomize
