i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
Such a big mess for such a small penis
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