"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
