There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Randomize
