Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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