I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
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