I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
Randomize
