Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
So my shaver died while I was trimming...ya know. And now it is half way done. I don't think there's currently any aesthetic in keeping it this way...
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
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