batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
I'm on a no morals kick. That'll be 3 girls in 24 hours....ending 2011 with a bang
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
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