yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
It was beautiful and filled the audience with hope for the future. :3 I wish I could speak more but sleep werk nighty
I asked how you were doing?
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