The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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