my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
