Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
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