How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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