I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Randomize
