matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
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