He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
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