smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
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There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
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I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
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