"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
