we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
Randomize
