Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
