And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
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