Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
Heybabeimwearingurpanties
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
Randomize
