3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
Randomize
